The past two days were pretty downers. Yes, I had a self-pity party. The heaviness in each part of my body overwhelmed me. I was not going to lie but I wasn’t happy with where I am at this point in my life.
So, I threw myself a party where I did not care to go out or attempt to work through the feelings. I was a Debbie Downer. I did not care about trying to make best of the day. I just wanted to drown in the waters and brooded in it.
Unfortunately, the party did not last long. Sensed my sarcasm here? Good. Frankly, it was exactly what I needed to do. I meant it was not fun but it was me being real. I had a genuinely human moment or perhaps should I said for a couple of days.
It was essentially about giving myself a permission to feel sorry and feel the feelings I had in me. I was processing it. Evidently, what I experienced in the past few days was a major insight into what my soul was looking for.
I was definitely not only one feeling it but often times, when they are feeling down, they became self-destructive as a mean to ‘cope.’ I’ll be honest. I had few brownies. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that Aunt Flo was in the town. Yup, she was here for the party.
I might gain one or two pounds there but the difference about eating brownies and self-destructing was permission. I gave myself a permission to feel blue. I gave myself a permission to break my ‘diet.’ Heck, I gave myself a permission to be a human.
Mind you, I was making a conscious choice, I knew I would not last long in self-pity party. I can stop the music and kick everyone out of the party. I just choose to feel blue. I was fighting it so hard and fought against the ego fears but I surrendered because I was tired of fighting it.
Feeling and brooding in my own self-pity party actually showed me what I need to see what I was brushing under the rug. As a matter of fact, it was a kick in the a**.
“What are you doing? Why are you here at the party?”
“I don’t know. I just felt like it.”
“Okay, you know, the party will end by the time of dawn, right?”
“(Groans) I know, I know. Just let me stay here for a bit. I meant I just gotta feel it out.”
“Okay, when the sun comes up, you know you gotta clean this up? You gotta rise with the sun. You know, shake it off and start living. Just work it, girl.”
“Yeah, yeah.” (an image of Nike logo came in my mind, ‘Just do it’. You can sense my eyes rolling at the Nike logo.)
“I’ll see you in the morning. I’m gonna wait here to see the sunrise.”
As I was sitting on the couch looking outside of the window waiting for the light to peek into the world, I clicked on the fast-forward button to the last 24 hours then clicked on the back button to replay the last week. I was replaying everything that happened in my life the past month. Back and forth. Back and forth.
I clicked on the stop button. The image came to the still. There was me sitting on my bed with a laptop on my lap typing my latest blog.
The room becomes enlightened. Soft and dewy early morning air with light in the background. Ah, there it is. The Sun is rising. I am taking the lightness in. I forgot how beautiful morning can be. I forgot how refreshing it feels.
Right there, I am thinking of a conscious choice. Light and inspirations are filling my mind, body, and spirit. I know the time is up.
“Alright, the party’s over. Everyone out! I have a lot to do today. Let’s go, everybody! Thank you for coming. Thanks for being a Debbie downer with me.”
I closed the door and off I go to the upstairs toward my bedroom. I get my laptop out. I open up the Microsoft Word program. My fingers are clicking on the keys not knowing what they were typing.
I have an aha-moment. Even though I did not know what to do or write but my fingers seem to know what they’re doing.
The moral of the story? You do not have to know what to do but start somewhere and somehow because you will be guided to the next step, new idea, or new opportunity. Yes, you can have a self-pity party but make sure it ends at midnight because the sunrise can be a buzzkill. 🙂